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Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
July 9, 2013
The most powerful element of the story of Genesis is that it's based in a reality familiar to the writer. *Meeoko imagines her life had she never recovered from her psychosis in a startlingly real passage.
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Literature
welcome to the real world
1. if someone invites you back to their place
for coffee, and you only drink tea,
don’t stress:
you probably won’t actually be drinking coffee.
2. when the creepy guy from work asks you out
again and you think about accepting for the first
time because you’re sick of going home alone and
you have never learned how to say no, don’t. learn.
stand in front of the mirror until you love yourself
enough for your skin to fit snug on your body. read
about the hundreds of millions of planets out in the
hundreds of millions of galaxies and feel so crowded
that you’re about to burst all over again.
3. you’re gonna
Literature
In Which Middle School is Hell
I can still remember with perfect clarity the day in eighth grade when a boy walked up to me at my locker and said, “Hey cutie.” I was sweaty, having just come from gym class, and I was only at my locker to buy some time before I had to go to math class where the teacher hated me and the numbers didn’t make any sense. But there was a boy standing next to me and he called me cute and I had no idea what to say. As it turned out I didn’t have to say anything because the girl he was with just laughed, a cut off cackle into the oversized purse she was fishing through. I turned back to my locker, not saying a word because I
Literature
how to become a writer
have parents that separate
when you’re in high school;
a father filled with unused anger
and a mother too busy to care.
pretend it doesn’t hurt.
let your friends treat you
like dirt;
after all,
everything is your fault.
listen to their problems with a fake smile
all the while crying out because
everything hurts and no one can see.
press a knife to your skin,
but be too cowardly to
draw your own blood.
fall in love with people
who could never notice you,
because you’re
just. not. good.
enough.
chew on the multicolored
strands of your hair.
(you can’t stop runni
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Mature content on for swearing.
This is my entry for the 'Inspire The Uninspired' contest 'Past and Present'. [link]
The aim of the contest was to think on an important even in your life and write about what you would be like if it had never happened; if it hadn’t made you the person you are now. Well, this is mine.
This is difficult to explain, but please try to understand. When I was 12, I was diagnosed with Psychosis after I was raped by a family member and it messed me up for years. I suffered auditory, visual and tactile hallucinations, which meant that to me, every aspect of them was completely and totally real. One of those hallucinations was Genesis. A perfect mirror image of myself, she told me (along with the other hallucinations) that I was destined to bear the anti-Christ and because of this, Satan wanted to make me his bride. Only, to get to him, I had to commit the ultimate sin – I had to kill myself. And that was why the hallucinations were there; to make my life a living hell until I couldn’t take it any longer and committed suicide. This was made worse due to the fact that Genesis was in love with Satan. It took me years to finally recover. Long, painful, humiliating years full of drugs and sleep deprivation. But I got there and now, I’m nothing like the terrified wreck I was. I’ve married the love of my life, I’ve got a very rewarding full-time job and I’ve just finished writing my first novel (oddly enough, based around Genesis). Things have never looked so positive.
This is where my story ties in with the contest. What if I’d never gotten better? What if the Psychosis had stayed with me and Genesis had remained a part of my life? This piece is very personal to me, so any critique is greatly appreciated.
This is my entry for the 'Inspire The Uninspired' contest 'Past and Present'. [link]
The aim of the contest was to think on an important even in your life and write about what you would be like if it had never happened; if it hadn’t made you the person you are now. Well, this is mine.
This is difficult to explain, but please try to understand. When I was 12, I was diagnosed with Psychosis after I was raped by a family member and it messed me up for years. I suffered auditory, visual and tactile hallucinations, which meant that to me, every aspect of them was completely and totally real. One of those hallucinations was Genesis. A perfect mirror image of myself, she told me (along with the other hallucinations) that I was destined to bear the anti-Christ and because of this, Satan wanted to make me his bride. Only, to get to him, I had to commit the ultimate sin – I had to kill myself. And that was why the hallucinations were there; to make my life a living hell until I couldn’t take it any longer and committed suicide. This was made worse due to the fact that Genesis was in love with Satan. It took me years to finally recover. Long, painful, humiliating years full of drugs and sleep deprivation. But I got there and now, I’m nothing like the terrified wreck I was. I’ve married the love of my life, I’ve got a very rewarding full-time job and I’ve just finished writing my first novel (oddly enough, based around Genesis). Things have never looked so positive.
This is where my story ties in with the contest. What if I’d never gotten better? What if the Psychosis had stayed with me and Genesis had remained a part of my life? This piece is very personal to me, so any critique is greatly appreciated.
Mature
© 2013 - 2024 Meeoko
Comments63
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Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactSo sorry it took me so long to get to your piece after the contest ended!
I think by far the most powerful element of this story is that it's all based in reality. You read it, and you just can't believe that all of what was described actually happened to you - it's shocking and...well, horrible. I'm so glad to hear that your life is different now, and that you're better and have a family! I truly can't imagine what it would be like to have that as a past. But - despite that - I can't deny that I'm happy such powerful, heart-rending and riveting pieces of literature were born from it! I love this piece and I love your writing, so I hope you know that your readers love what you've made from such a past!
Ok, on to the critique part<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="454" title="Wink/Razz"/> Strictly speaking in literary language (and by that I mean that I'm not trying to comment on what may have happened to you in real life with this character), I think you've portrayed Genesis as a very dynamic, fully-developed character. There are parts in the story that are a little cryptic, though, and you hint at a lot of background information that isn't forthcoming, so there are a couple of points where it gets a little confusing. Or, at least, the audience is left with questions. You did provide some explanation in your author's comment below, but I think - as a stand-alone story - you could have added more references to the history between you and Genesis. For example, throughout the story, I was always unsure of just how much influence Genesis had on everybody besides you, and how much of what happened in the story was a result of your reactions to Genesis. You explained in your author's comment that she was entirely a character in your mind, but I don't think that's entirely clear to the audience that is reading this story. The nameless people in the cafe were obviously reacting to something, but it's kind of unclear to me if it was you or Genesis... Unless that was your intention to keep it unclear....in which case, I guess you succeeded<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/r/r…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="397" title=" (Razz)"/>As far as grammar goes, I only noticed a few places where you're missing a word or bit of punctuation: in the 8th paragraph, it says, "She looked like what she was; a nightmare." I think you should change that semi-colon to just a regular colon, since that would communicate your point better. The same thing happens in paragraph 10. You have, "It was a smile I saw often; cruel and malicious..." and I think that semi-colon, too, should just be a colon. Also, you're missing a few commas in paragraphs 12 - in the 1st sentence between "me" and "and" - and paragraph 14 - in the 3rd sentence between "job" and "and." Also, you need a comma in the 7th sentence of paragraph 28 between "now" and "dressing." Lastly, in the second to last sentence of the very last paragraph, it says "I was terrified of the girl sat waiting..." and I think you're missing a word. I hope I didn't seem too overly nit-picky in this part...
Other than those little things, I think you've got a very well-written, intense, very emotional story that does an amazing job of pulling its readers in and making them get emotionally attached to the story, so great job with it! It definitely deserved 1st place in the ITU contest<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/>